The meltdown at the grocery store starts in aisle three. A little boy is lying on the floor with his face red and his fists banging on the tiles because he can’t have the cereal with the cartoon tiger. His mother leans over and whispers frantically, but then she gives in and throws the box into the cart with a tight jaw and tired eyes. Another parent walks by ten minutes later and hisses, “If you keep whining, no tablet for a week,” without even looking up from their phone. Two styles, but they both look haunted. Same quiet doubt on the way home.
Modern parenting has become a minefield because of expert advice, Instagram reels, and our own childhood memories.
And some of the habits we are proud of are the ones that psychologists quietly say are bad for us.
The parenting styles that seem “loving” but slowly destroy a child’s self-esteem
Overprotectiveness that looks like devotion is one of the most common blind spots these days. Parents keep an eye on every fall, every grade and every social interaction, always ready with a soft landing and a quick fix. The message that gets lost is simple: “You can’t handle this alone.” It could be as simple as checking homework at 10 p.m. or texting the teacher about a lunchbox you forgot.
It looks like care on the outside. It feels like love.
Psychologists, on the other hand, say that kids become stronger by facing reality, not by always being protected from it.
I heard from a school counsellor in London that a 13-year-old girl cried when she got a B+ on a quiz. The next day, her mother came to the office with a printed email thread and asked why the teacher had “failed” her daughter. The girl sat quietly on the side and kept twisting her bracelet, staring at the floor.
The mother answered for the student when the counsellor asked her how she felt about the grade: “She’s devastated.” She always gets A’s.
The girl’s anxiety levels were off the charts. Her real grades were almost perfect.
Psychologists call this “controlling warmth”: a lot of love that is tightly wrapped around a fear of letting go. Kids who are raised this way often become very polite, driven, and successful on the outside, but they have a harsh inner critic and are afraid of failing. They’ve learned that even the smallest mistake can lead to a crisis.
They get really good at reading adults but not so good at reading themselves.
These parents are doing everything “right” on paper—being involved, paying attention, and wanting the best for their kids. That’s why the damage goes unnoticed for years.
The quiet harm of “perfect-parent” logic and why we fight so hard to protect it
Psychology research consistently identifies a recurring trio of insidiously detrimental habits: chronic rescuing, emotional invalidation, and performance worship. When a parent always speaks for the shy child, makes fun of a teen’s sadness, or only celebrates wins that can be posted online, you can see it.
A little change in tone, a raised eyebrow at a bad grade, and a sigh when a child shows big feelings—those little signs add up.
Kids learn over time that love and worth depend on how well they behave and how well they do in school.
Think about a dad who is looking at his phone while his 7-year-old daughter proudly shows him a shaky drawing. He looks up, says, “Nice, but why is the horse blue?” and then goes back to his screen. Later that night, he sends a picture to the family WhatsApp group and spends twenty minutes praising her for a sticker she got for doing well on a spelling test.
The girl doesn’t know how to say it yet, but her body does. Every time she shows him something, her eyes start to search his face. When there isn’t a big reaction, her shoulders drop.
Years later, she’ll say she’s “lazy” or “not creative” without knowing where that story came from.
This pattern often comes from love mixed with fear and tiredness on the parent’s side. Many of today’s parents grew up with stricter rules, like “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” and promised they would be different. So they either go to the other extreme or keep saying the same things without realising it.
To be honest, no one does this every day. We are all making things up because we don’t get enough sleep and have too much stress.
Psychologists say these habits stick around because they give short-term relief: tantrums stop, grades go up, and the family looks “fine” from the outside. The long-term cost isn’t clear until the child grows up to be an anxious adult who can’t say what they really think.
How to make a small change without ruining your whole parenting style
One of the easiest changes experts suggest is to deal with the feeling before the action. When a child throws a tantrum, whines, or rolls their eyes, the first thing that comes to mind is to punish or correct them. Instead, stop and say what might be going on inside them. “You really don’t like it,” “You’re mad I said no,” and “You’re worried about tomorrow.”
This doesn’t mean you agree or give in. You are saying, “Your feelings are real, and it’s not strange that you have them.”
Self-control comes from the small space between feeling and doing.
A lot of parents hear this and think, “So I should just let my kid walk all over me?” It’s normal to be scared of that, especially if you grew up with strict rules and not much softness. The strange thing is that kids who feel accepted are usually more willing to work together, not less. They don’t have to yell as loud to be heard.
The trap is going from not listening at all to overexplaining. Long lectures, TED Talks before bed, and emotional autopsies after every fight often help us feel guilty more than they help the child grow.
Sometimes the best thing you can say is, “We’re both tired.” We’ll talk about this again tomorrow.
Lisa Damour, a psychologist, says it like this:
“We don’t make our kids calm by making their lives calm. We teach our kids to be calm by helping them find calm in real life.
Small, easy-to-follow habits can help with that:
When your child pushes your buttons, wait three seconds before you react.
Say one sentence that shows you understand how they feel, not what they did.
Set short, clear limits like “I won’t let you hit” or “Screens are done for today.”
When everyone is calm, come back and ask, “What do you want me to understand?”
You can’t post online about the apology, the retry, or the small act of honesty.
*Most of this work happens in boring, everyday times, away from social media and expert checklists.*
Why do so many of us still say we’re “doing the right thing”?
There is a painful truth hidden in all of this: changing the way we parent often means admitting that some of the things we do out of love are also hurting our children. That’s a lot to think about, especially when you’re already stressed out by bills, deadlines, and the quiet pressure to “enjoy every moment.”
We hold on to phrases like “At least I’m always there for them” or “My parents were worse and I turned out fine,” which help us make sense of our decisions.
But the kids we’re raising now speak a different language. They talk about anxiety, boundaries, and pleasing others, and those words are not meant to hurt them.
Main pointDetail: What the reader gets out of it
Look for patterns that aren’t obviousOverprotecting, rescuing, and praising based on performance may seem caring at first, but they hurt confidence over time.Be aware of habits you may have never thought about.
Change how you reactFirst, accept your feelings, set clear limits, and don’t try to save everyone from every problem.Lower daily conflict while becoming stronger
Change your expectationsParenting is hard; small, steady changes are more important than being perfect.Stop feeling guilty and focus on making real progress.
Questions and Answers:
Question 1: How can I tell if I’m being too protective of my child instead of helping them?
Question 2: Can gentle, validating parenting still have strict rules and punishments?
Question 3: What if my partner and I have very different ways of raising our kids?
Question 4: Is it too late to change if my kid is already a teen?
Question 5: What should I do to fix things when I realise I hurt my child by how I acted?
