You say, “This might sound stupid, but…” before you even get to the point in a meeting.
The room gets a little quieter than you thought it would. People move around in their chairs. Your idea isn’t bad at all, but it seems smaller than it did in your head.
You think about the scene again on the way home. Not the thought. The sentence that comes before the idea.
What made me say that? You think.
Psychologists say that the random phrases we use to fill in the gaps don’t just fill in the gaps.
They quietly let us know how we see ourselves.
And the message is often harsher than we would ever say out loud.
Those little disclaimers that make you look bad
Some words sound nice, even polite, but they really do mute your confidence.
“I’m not an expert, but…” “Sorry, this is probably dumb…” “I might be wrong, but…”—they all mean the same thing. Before you even say anything, they tell people not to take you too seriously.
Psychologists refer to this as “self-handicapping language.”
Before anyone else can, you put your own idea on trial.
It feels like safety.
In reality, it’s self-sabotage with a smile.
Imagine a young project manager checking in once a week. She has a good answer to a problem that keeps coming up. The numbers and the feedback from clients are clear.
She clears her throat and says, “This is probably a bad idea, but I was thinking…”
The room’s expectations drop right away. A high-level manager looks at his phone. Another coworker puts her idea in the “optional” folder in her head.
Later, a different teammate suggests almost the same thing, but starts with “Here’s what I think.”
The same content, but in a different package.
Who do you think the group will go with?
From a psychological point of view, these words are a shield.
If someone doesn’t like your idea, you can say to yourself, “Well, I did say it was dumb.” It makes you feel better about yourself.
The issue is that your brain—and everyone else who hears it—starts to believe your own PR.
When you keep putting yourself down, your mind learns to put you in the “less competent” group.
Your language catches up with your identity over time. *You sound unsure for long enough, and then you start to live unsure.
The apologies you don’t know you’re making
Constantly saying you’re sorry is another thing that can kill your confidence. Not for real mistakes, but for being.
“Sorry, I have a quick question,” or “Sorry, can I just add something?” “Sorry if this is clear…”
“Low-status signalling” is something psychologists talk about.
You talk yourself down to make yourself smaller.
It looks kind, flexible, and even humble on the outside. Your nervous system is begging you not to be mad that I’m here.
We’ve all been there: you get a message and the first word is “Sorry,” even though the person hasn’t done anything wrong.
A study from the University of Waterloo in 2021 found that women apologise more often, not because they do more bad things, but because they see more things as bad.
You can see this in group chats and open-plan offices.
A coworker writes, “Sorry for the long message.” Another person says, “Sorry if I’m overreacting, but this deadline is tight.”
Read that again as if you were a stranger.
You would never think these are adults at work.
They sound like people who are just visiting.
Chronic “sorry-talk” keeps your nervous system on a low simmer of guilt.
You’re practicing the idea that you’re always a little “too much” or in the way.
Over time, this makes you feel less entitled to speak, ask questions, or disagree.
To be honest, no one really keeps track of how many times you say sorry, but your brain does.
Every “sorry” that isn’t real teaches you that you need a good reason to take up space.
How to speak like someone who has faith in themselves
The good news is that language is one of the easiest things to learn to be more confident.
You don’t have to pretend to be arrogant or copy someone else’s style. You only need to make small, repeatable changes.
Begin by catching your “trigger phrases,” which are things like “I’m not sure, but…” “This might be stupid…” and “Sorry, just a quick thing…”
Stop for two seconds when you hear them in your head.
Then take them off.
Please say the sentence again in a clearer way.
“This could be dumb, but we could try A/B testing” becomes “We could try A/B testing.”
Same idea, but a very different presence.
The first few days are strange. You might want to sneak the old padding back in.
People will worry that you are too direct or pushy. That’s normal. Your nervous system is used to hiding behind softness.
Don’t judge yourself; think of this as an experiment.
Pay attention to how people really act when you stop being hard on yourself.
Most of the time, nothing bad happens. You might even get more attention sometimes.
The trap is moving too quickly and trying to sound like a TED speaker right away.
Your brain fights back when the change doesn’t feel real. One big change is not as good as many small changes that happen over and over.
Guy Winch, a psychologist, says, “The way we talk to ourselves in public teaches other people how to talk to us in their minds.”
Instead of saying sorry, say thank you.
Instead of saying “Sorry I’m late,” say “Thanks for waiting for me.” Same responsibility, less self-erasure.
Get rid of self-criticism and replace it with clarity.
You can change “This is probably wrong” to “Here’s what I’m thinking right now; I’m happy to change it.” It shows that you are open, not insecure.
Remove the “just” and “only” padding. “I just have one question” becomes “I have a question.” “I only did a draft” turns into “Here’s the draft.” Language that is simple, clean, and adult.
Use one strong phrase to hold your voice steady.
For example, “This is what I see.” Or “From my end…” These introductions put you in the conversation instead of outside of it.
Say your practice out loud when no one is around.
Say your idea out loud or in a mirror, without adding any disclaimers. This new, steadier rhythm needs to get used to your mouth.
The words you leave out… and the identity you quietly take back
You hear these phrases everywhere once you start to notice them.
At work, with a partner, or with friends.
They sound like background noise, but they decide who gets heard and who fades away.
You don’t have to be loud or perfect to change them.
It’s about speaking like someone who doesn’t think they need to say sorry for being there.
Someone whose ideas can be “in progress” without being called “stupid” ahead of time.
You might notice that your body changes along with your language.
You sit up a little straighter when you don’t say, “Sorry, this is probably nothing…”
When you say, “Here’s my take,” instead of, “I’m not sure, but…” you take deeper breaths.
That little bit of extra air changes the way you sound.
People feel it before they get it.
From the outside, confidence often looks like someone who talks without stepping on their own toes all the time.
Yes, there will still be days when you go back to your old habits, like saying sorry for existing or making your ideas smaller.
That doesn’t take away the progress. It just means that your brain is changing at a normal speed.
Pay attention to one phrase every day. Change it once.
Let the proof build up that the world doesn’t fall apart when you act like you belong.
There is one quiet question behind all of these words:
Do you trust yourself enough to talk without first asking for permission?
| Important Point | Detail: What the Reader Gets Out of It |
|---|---|
| Phrases that make you feel bad about yourself | Using phrases like “This might be stupid, but…” lowers expectations—helps identify the sentences that make you appear less confident |
| Constantly saying sorry | Unnecessary apologies signal lack of power and create unnecessary guilt—shows where you’re unconsciously shrinking in everyday situations |
| Language exchanges that work | Replacing apologies with clear, grounded language helps you speak more confidently right away—provides tools for sounding more assertive |
Questions and Answers:
Question 1
How can I tell if a phrase really means I’m not confident or if I’m just being polite?
Being polite doesn’t make you less. If a phrase makes you feel smaller, less smart, or like a bother before you even say it, it’s more about being insecure than being nice.
Question 2
If I stop saying things like “I’m not an expert, but…” won’t I sound arrogant?
Staying specific can help you stay humble. Say something like “Here’s what I’ve seen so far” or “From my experience with X…” to show that you know what you’re talking about without putting yourself down.
Question 3
Is it really that bad to say “sorry” a lot?
One “sorry” won’t make you lose your confidence. The pattern does. When you say it over and over, your brain learns that your needs and presence are a bother.
Question 4
What is one phrase I can stop using at work to sound more sure of myself?
Don’t say, “I just have a quick question.” Instead, say “I have a question.” It’s a small change that makes your voice sound like everyone else’s.
5th question
How long does it take to make these verbal habits stick?
After a few weeks of regular practice, most people notice a difference. The most important thing is to catch one phrase at a time and not try to change your whole personality in a single night.
