You feel good about what you just said in a meeting when someone clears their throat and asks, “Can I give you some feedback?”
Your chest gets tight. Your thoughts start to race ahead of what they say. You already think of the worst.
Or maybe you’re the other way around. You stopped. You nod and say, “Yeah, that’s helpful,” and then you think about what they said for three nights in a row.
Of course, the words are important. But psychologists keep saying the same thing: what really shows who you are is not the criticism itself, but how you react to it.
That little pause after you said something?
It tells a story that you might not know yet.
What your first reaction to criticism says about you
Some people feel attacked right away when they hear criticism. Their voice gets sharper, their shoulders go up, and they start defending every little thing like they’re on trial.
Some people, when they hear almost the same thing, go straight into apology mode and shrink into their chairs, as if just being there is too much for them.
Psychologists frequently interpret these two archetypal patterns as manifestations of self-esteem in operation.
Being defensive usually means you have a weak ego, and saying sorry too much usually means you feel like you’re not “enough” in the first place.
The things you say are only the tip of the iceberg. The real story is going on in your nervous system.
Anna, who is 32 and works in marketing, is one example. Her boss says, “The messaging is a little confusing, but this campaign is good.”
Her cheeks get hot right away. “How is that confusing?” she snaps back. “We did exactly what the brief said to do. Not the idea, but the timing is the issue.
Later, she tells a friend, “He basically told me I’m not good at my job.”
In fact, he hadn’t said anything like that. But low self-esteem is like a very biased translator.
It hears, “This one part could be better,” and turns it into, “You’re a failure and everyone knows it.”
Someone with more stable self-esteem might feel hurt but still say, “Ouch… but where did it lose clarity?”
Psychology frequently associates these responses with one’s self-perception of worth.
If you think you’re only as good as your last performance, criticism can make you feel like your whole identity is at risk. So you fight, deny, or stay still.
When your inner base is more stable, feedback is information, not a decision. You can tell the difference between “I did something confusing” and “I am a confusing person.”
That space is everything.
Having high self-esteem doesn’t mean loving everything you do. It means not letting every comment make you feel bad about yourself.*The more those two get mixed up, the more criticism seems like an attack on you instead of just a change.*
How to deal with criticism that hurts you in a different way
One small, useful action makes a big difference: add a pause.
In a literal sense. Take a deep breath when someone criticises you. After that, say something like, “Okay, can you explain what you mean?”
This tiny delay keeps your autopilot reaction from taking over.
It gives your mind a second to switch from “I’m being attacked” to “I’m getting information.”
You don’t have to agree. You don’t even have to like them.
You’re just giving yourself a little time between their words and your hurt feelings. That’s where self-esteem can start to grow.
A lot of people do the opposite and start judging themselves right away.
“You’re right, I always screw this up.”
“I should have known; I’m so dumb.”
It looks humble on the outside, but inside it’s a slow, painful breakdown.
To be honest, no one really does this every single day with full awareness.
If you’ve been criticised a lot as a child, you might think that attacking yourself first will hurt less than hearing it from someone else.
You keep proving your own worst beliefs over and over again.
Criticism from others hurts once; criticism from yourself keeps hurting.
Kristin Neff, a psychologist known for her work on self-compassion, often says that the way we talk to ourselves after we make a mistake can either make the wound worse or help it heal.
When someone points out a flaw, you can use a simple inner checklist to change how you react:
Enquire, “What are they really criticising: my work, my behaviour, or my whole self?”
Say “This didn’t work the way I wanted” instead of “I’m terrible.”
Are you holding your breath, clenching your fists, or looking away?
Let one honest feeling come through: “This hurts,” “I feel embarrassed,” or “I feel like I’m not being understood.”
Then pick one calm response, even if your mind is screaming, “Thanks, I’ll think about that,” or “Can you give me a specific example?”
At first, these are small, awkward steps.
But they slowly teach your body that you can handle criticism.
That you don’t have to hurt yourself or run away to stay safe.
Criticism is like a mirror that shows you what you want to see.
The next time someone says something bad about you, pay attention to what comes up first: anger, shame, panic, or numbness.
Those feelings have less to do with their sentence and more to do with old stories you tell yourself.
The colleague’s comment might sound like something a teacher said years ago or something a parent said that you never really understood.
In this way, every piece of feedback is like a tiny mirror.
Not just your work, but also how you value yourself.
You can keep using that mirror to remember old wounds, or you can start using it to see where you still don’t believe in your own worth.Having high self-esteem doesn’t mean you enjoy being criticised; it means you don’t run away when it happens.Low self-esteem doesn’t mean you can’t change; it just means your nervous system still thinks that being criticised is dangerous.
When you stay present for those few uncomfortable seconds, ask yourself what story you’re hearing, and then make a conscious choice about whether you want to keep believing it or try a different one this time, the change begins.
| Key point | Detail | Value for the reader |
|---|---|---|
| Initial reaction is a clue | Defensiveness, over-apology or shutdown often reflect hidden beliefs about worth | Helps you decode your patterns instead of just blaming your personality |
| Pause before responding | One breath and a neutral question create distance from automatic reactions | Gives you control of the conversation and protects your self-esteem |
| Separate action from identity | Shift from “I am bad” to “This thing could be better” | Reduces shame and makes improvement feel possible instead of overwhelming |
FAQ:
Question 1Why do I replay criticism in my head for days?
Question 2Does getting angry at criticism always mean low self-esteem?
Question 3How can I tell if feedback is constructive or just mean?
Question 4What if criticism from my boss affects my whole confidence?
Question 5Can someone with low self-esteem learn to handle criticism calmly?
